


the tallest tree

by stmoritz



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: also it's 1 am and i have to be awake at 6 ugh, also sorry if it sucks again it's 1 am, i guess i just have a lot of feelings about deh, if you are easily triggered i suggest you not read this, please stay safe my beautiful friends, this is just a thing with the incident at the tree, why am I doing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 08:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11204607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stmoritz/pseuds/stmoritz
Summary: dear evan hansen,today is going to be a good day and here’s why: because today, it’ll all be over. all the loneliness, all the fear, it'll be over. gone in an instant.





	the tallest tree

_dear evan hansen,_

_today is going to be a good day and here’s why: because today, it’ll all be over. all the loneliness, all the fear, it'll be over. gone in an instant._

_this decision is one i've been turning in my mind for a while. as i thought about it, i wondered if i really could leave this world. i wondered if i could never see a tree again, or leave mom by herself, or never write a single word again. i tried my best to enjoy all these things, but then they were just tied with these terrible thoughts._

_when i looked at the trees at work, all i could think of was how high they were, and how much it would hurt if i were to climb up there and let go. i would reach the top, see the sky above me, the vast heaven that i'm nothing compared to. i could see beyond the park, the haziness of the horizon in the early morning. i would go from there, from the very top, to rock bottom. that didn't seem so bad, either. even though i'll hit the ground, at least i went as high as i could._

_and i can't even look at mom without thinking how much happier she would be without me, how she could look to the sun, without a son to worry about. she wouldn't have to reach so far anymore, and struggle with being so close, yet so far. i'm too hard on her. no child should do that to their own mother. she’s done so much for me, balancing school and work and taking care of me. a few years ago, i would’ve been so grateful, but now, i realize life could be so much easier for her if i wasn’t around._

_and writing was an escape. i could create an alternate universe where dad never left and where i’m not afraid of every little thing, where life is worth living. but my feelings became too much a year or two ago. i had to let them out, and, suddenly, i couldn’t escape anymore. i couldn’t write without splattering my head onto the page. there isn’t room for fantasy when reality is suffocating you. words are a prison, the borders of written letters the cinder block walls. i try so hard to escape, but it feels like all i have is a little plastic spoon to get myself out._

_with all of these thoughts burning in my brain, i've realized that i_ need _to do this. everything's gotten worse. these stupid notes don't work. my meds don't work. n_ othing works. _everything if ound joy in has made me realize how terrible everything is and how much i want to leave this all behind. just last night, as i was watching my ceiling fan twirl and whirl until it all blurred into nothing, it reminded me of myself. spinning in those same circles, over and over. now, i'll turn into nothing. i don't have to chase my own tail or some impossible dream where i can at least be okay because that can never happen._

_this is the best that i can do, especially when i've failed everyone else. when i climb that tree today, my bones will shatter as i hit the ground. the chains my very existence has placed on my loved ones will be broken, too. once i'm gone, we'll all be free. and aren't humans always willing to give life for freedom?_

_sincerely, and for the last time,_

_me_

i felt so certain as i read over my final letter. the finality was settling in my mind, like a perfectly planted tree. these thoughts grew straight and strong. i had so much _faith_ in this tree. i knew for certain it had to be planted, and now i could look at this tree proudly. i had made this decision already, and i knew it was the right one to make. i’ve decided that today was my last day, that in a few hours i'll say my last words, take my last breath, and close my eyes for the last time.

i shut my laptop, leaving it on my bed and standing up slowly. i took a deep breath, and walked forward.

my shoes made the hardwood floor creak as i walked down the hall to the living room. i bit my lip, realizing i’d have to deal with one last ride from mom. i desperately searched for generic responses to have ready, a set reply for anything she’d say or ask. i can’t give her any hint of my intentions. i have to hide what’s in my mind. i have to pretend everything is normal, not that they’ve gotten worse. in that moment, she peeked around the corner, smiling like she always does.

"are you ready to leave now, evan?” she asked softly, smiling.

"y-yeah.” i nodded, tugging at my fingers.

mom sighed contentedly, folding her arms. “do you like working at ellison? i remember you being so excited when they made you an apprentice park ranger there.”

i managed a smile and looked down at the floor. "it’s nice,” i began. “i don’t have to t-talk to people.”

mom’s smile faltered, but she recovered quickly. “talking to people isn’t so bad, is it?”

my mind went blank, unable to come up with a response. i just shrugged.

“well, i guess if you’re ready, we can go.” mom said, picking up the car keys.

i turned to leave when mom asked, "wait, evan, did you take your medicine?"

i smiled again, nodding. "y-yes, mom, i always do." a lie.

"and did you write a letter to yourself? like dr. sherman said?" she continued.

i nodded. "i… i did that, too." not a lie.

“it’s almost 8, we better go.” mom sighed, looking down at her watch.

as we walked out to the car, i felt a weight placed on my back with every step. you'd think the weight of living would be lighter, but it only gets heavier. maybe it's the anticipation, the sense of waiting to die. maybe it’s my mind tricking my body into thinking i should just be dead already.

i tried to shake it off and got in the car, fumbling with the seatbelt.

mom always kept the music quiet in case she wanted to talk to me, but it always sounded like a dull, annoying buzz. the words sound like a mess of jumbled letters. it all sounds like this discordant, off-key clashing in my ear. the noise in my head is worse, though, so much worse.

“you know, evan,” mom started, making me stop breathing for a second. “i really enjoyed having dinner together the other night. do you think we could do it again sometime? it’s summer now, too, so you don’t have school or anything.”

i bit my lip, looking out the window again. i watched cookie-cutter houses flash by in a boring blur, trying to come up with some sort of lie.

“when?” i asked, looking back at her.

“does tonight work?” she requested hopefully, glancing at me.

“j-jared wanted to hang out tonight, at his house.” i lied, biting my nails.

“why his house? he’s welcome to come over here and have dinner with us. his family can tag along, too.”

i shook my head. “w-we were gonna play video games in his room. h-he just got a-a new one. he wants to try it out with me.”

“oh, that’s okay.” mom replied, smiling. there was sadness, a hint of hurt, in her voice.

“s-sorry, mom,” i muttered. “how about tomorrow?”

“i have to work a double shift tomorrow, evan.” mom sighed, glancing at me again.

“th-that’s okay. w-we’ll figure it out, right?” i suggested.

“yeah, we will.”

the rest of the drive was quiet, the white noise on the radio and in my head as annoying as ever. neither would let me be, and that was all i wanted.

i blinked when mom pulled up to the parking lot.

“have a good day, sweetie. call me once your shift is over, okay?”

i nodded. “i will, Mom.” i gave her one last smile, as real as i could manage, before walking off.

i listened as she pulled away, the tires crushing the rocky path. the crunching noise sent a shiver down my spine. it's like that sound changed everything. will that noise be the last thing i hear? not birdsong or the wind in the trees?

i shook my head and walked up to the main office. i could feel my whole body shaking. i just prayed no one noticed.

i signed in, every letter i wrote looking crooked and wobbly. my own name looked _different_ , a stranger shaking in front of me. i ignored it, writing down the time, 8:27 A.M.

i put the pen down, going out the door. i knew exactly where i was going to go. the little plain right before the ground slopes off. my feet were traveling their last path to the tallest tree in the whole park.

i remember the first time i saw that tree, and how _small_ it made me feel. i remember wanting to climb it one day, when i didn’t have much to do around the park. i knew today would be a quiet day, the calm before the storm of tourists visiting for the summer. if it was gonna happen any day, it was today.

the ground is soft beneath my feet, the grass a light green. spring is muted, pale, but summer is saturated, vibrant. it’s strange how i’ll fade away when the world is at its brightest, how i’ll grow cold when the sun burns at its hottest.

i saw the tree’s roots poking through the soil, making me freeze. i looked up, and saw the 40-foot tall tree looming above me. i’m where i need to be.

i took a deep breath, the ghost of a smile on my face. the end is so near, emptiness is so close, peace is in my grasp…

i grabbed the first branch i could reach, my foot finding a resting place. i got into a rhythm; hand, foot, hand, foot, hand, foot. i tried to climb as quickly but as carefully as i could. if i fell too early, it wouldn’t kill me, and i probably couldn’t climb back up.

i looked behind me, making sure no one was walking by. i picked up my pace a little bit. this all needed to end, and it needed to end soon.

i looked down, seeing the roots that looked like snakes now looked like thin branches. i looked back up, keeping my eyes on the prize. just a bit farther—one foot after the other, one branch then to another.

i combed through the maze of branches, crawling across the thickest one. i could feel the rough, flaky bark lightly stabbing the palms of my hands. i pushed through the nagging pain. i could feel relief flooding through my system, rushing through my bloodstream.

i could feel my heart racing and thumping against my ribs. my lungs kept demanding more air, my breathing speeding up.

suddenly, a pump of adrenaline sent me to the center of the branch. i felt my brain lighting up, working faster and faster. i got that final push, that last bit of motivation i needed to let go.

i breathed in as deeply as i could, deciding to look down. below me, it looked like that line of houses we passed in the car, or my ceiling fan. it was all one green _blob_. 

i sighed, lifting my head to look forward. i saw the green trees, so dark they were almost black. they all stood in a line, and they all looked the same. i couldn’t seem to escape this oneness, not with my surroundings or with myself. everything was pointless, not even striking enough for your eye to pay attention to it. maybe i was still stuck on spring in its paleness. maybe i was too impatient for summer. even if i did wait, what if it ended up not being worth it? what if nothing changed after all?

i shook my head and looked above me. i saw sunlight pierce through the leaves and shatter like glass. i could see peeks of that unmistakable blue through the branches, the color of the dawning summer sky. something about it struck me, the relief melting away into an overwhelming peace.

“today is gonna be a good day.” i reassured myself, closing my eyes. light danced behind my eyelids, and i could just barely see that shade of blue...

i took in the deepest breath i could, feeling my chest rise. then, i couldn’t feel the bark pricking my hands. i felt air trying to catch me, but it just rippled helplessly through my clothes. i was falling.

but everything seemed to slow down. in my head, i could imagine myself falling. i could imagine watching myself from afar, my shadow black against the horizon. it was like i was dreaming. everything around me felt hyper-real, but my soul was somewhere else.

i opened my eyes, and then i saw how far away the tree was, how far away the sky was. how close was i to the ground? how close was i to death?

i could feel the peace vanishing, panic filling my chest. my heart reached for the top of that tree. it didn’t want to hit the ground and shatter like the sunlight. it wanted to soar, it wanted to live in the tangle of growing branches. that was suddenly all it wanted.

my heart’s wish was enough for my mind to take control of my limbs. _the left arm. you won’t really need it. you can break it, and be fine. you won’t have to worry about learning to write with your other hand. land on your left arm._

my soul was still floating with the clouds. it danced on the wind, and i wanted to reach for it. i wanted it to come back to me. i wanted it to come back down to earth with me. i didn’t want to be alone down there.

i risked a look behind me, and the green grass that seemed so far away was suddenly almost right in front of me. i held out my left arm and i shut my eyes tight, grinding my teeth. i did whatever i could to brace myself for the pain.

the next moment, i felt an explosion in my arm. i thought i'd heard a gunshot. i felt intense heat, unbearable pain. it stayed with me, spreading up my arm in ghostly swirls. the dull ache was painful enough, but i suddenly felt my soul come back to me. and guilt came with it.

i could see mom, her blue eyes blood-shot. i could see her face, full of _anger_ , disappointment. i could almost hear her voice. “evan, what were you _thinking_?” i imagined hot, furious tears running down her face. she doesn’t hug me or comfort me. she yells, she spits, she swears, she lashes everything out on me. how dare i try and leave her alone? how dare i be so selfish? how dare i not think of her feelings? how dare i throw away all the money she spent to get me help? how dare i take advantage of her, and everything she’s given me?

my soul was full of despair, and my arm was broken, without a doubt. i couldn’t help myself. i let out an agonized scream. tears fell, and they wouldn’t stop. i shook to my very core. it was the most pain i’d ever been in. my heart was being torn and my soul was withering away and my bone was _literally_ broken.

why did i ever put myself through this? why did i plant that little tree, now that i know it would be too weak for stormy winds? this tree i planted, that i poured my heart into, has fallen, and i was paying the price for everything it destroyed. this emotional torment was far more than the pain i had felt when my bone snapped in half. i felt everything inside me being gutted out like some stupid pumpkin at halloween. i was becoming so _empty_ , and i found myself yearning for the pain of a thousand explosions, lingering pain and all.

“i’m sorry, mom,” i bawled, my throat so tight i could barely speak. “i’m so sorry. help me, please. _pl_ _ease_.”

my head started spinning. i shut my eyes, trying, _trying_ , to breathe and every attempt was shaky and quiet.

“mom,” i croaked. “mom, please help me!”

i looked down at my arm, seeing a reddish-purple lump where my arm used to be. my head span faster, and i felt sick to my stomach. i remember feeling bile burn my throat. the pain was still there after i threw it all up.

i let my body go limp, trying to conserve as much energy as i could. i was overwhelmed with fatigue, and i knew i was probably gonna black out soon. i needed to stay awake for a little bit longer, until mom gets here to help me.

“mom, i need you.” i mumbled, darkness invading my vision.

i kept calling for her, my voice getting weaker and weaker. deep down, i knew she was going to be mad at me and hate me and, hey, she had every right to be. but my voice used the last of its power to call to her, because my heart hoped she wouldn’t be angry. and, even deeper down, i knew she was the only person i could rely on. and i would keep calling for her, because i needed that hope—i needed _help_ —now that i really was at rock bottom.

i could barely keep my eyes open. my throat felt even tighter. i knew i had to give it one last chance. i needed her, i needed her, _i_ _needed her_.

“mom, please,” a single tear rolled down my cheek. i closed my eyes as i choked out, “i don’t want to die.”

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so this is a thing i guess i really should sleep now lol but give kudos and comment and stuff that'd be v nice thx. also you can send me requests/headcanons/etc on tumblr (im at @fiftyfourbelow)!


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